Self Doubt in Love - Do I Deserve to Be Loved?

Written by: Meenakshi Joshi – M Sc (Psychology)
Last updated date : February 10, 2023
Do you tend to feel that you have a lot of flaws? Are you worried that you will make a mistake or do something wrong? When it comes to love and relationships, do you have self doubt? Do you feel that you are not “good enough” and that no one can truly love you?

“Practical and insightful” David

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Chapter 1:

What Is Self Doubt?

Self doubt is a feeling that you are not “great”. It makes you feel that you are not all that good and that you do not deserve good things.

  • Self doubt can make you question your “value”. It can make you value yourself less. You feel worthless and your self-esteem is low.
  • You feel you do not deserve good things in life as you are flawed.
  • For example, “I am not so smart so how will I ever get a good job” or “I have such a harsh voice, I do not like how my voice sounds.”
  • You question your judgment and decisions.
  • Thought such as “Did I do wrong or did I do the right thing?”, “Did I make the right decision?”, “I know I am wrong, I will regret this!” keep on bothering you. You overthink and over-analyse everything you do and say.
  • You do not like certain aspects of yourself. For example, you feel you do not look good no matter what you do.
  • You live in constant fear of failure and ridicule. Also, you have very poor self-confidence.
  • Additionally, you do not have a good mental image of yourself and tend to focus on bad or negative things about yourself.
Self doubt in love

If you are a person who tends to self doubt, then this would reflect when you fall in love too! Even in your relationships, your self doubt will create issues and problems for you. Be it a romantic one or any other kind, your fears will make things complex.

  • You will fear that you are falling short or are not equal to your partner. Thus, you will always feel inferior to your partner. For example, you will not be able to express your opinion freely. So, if you do not like something your partner does, you will not say it because you feel you are no one to criticise them.
  • They are better than you and you should be grateful for having a superior person love you.
  • You will feel that you are not worthy of love. Your self doubt will make you wonder why your partner is with you.
  • Your self doubt will make you not trust their love as you do not see yourself as a person who can be loved. This lack of trust in love itself and self doubt about your abilities and virtues will harm your relationships greatly.
  • Hence, you will need constant reassurance and a show of love because you are extremely insecure. You would want your partner to always “show” that they love you. In return, you too will put your relationship and partner over everything else even yourself.
  • When in love, your self doubt can cause you to question your partner’s loyalty and faithfulness.
  • You might compare your love with other people’s relationships. You might not be happy and satisfied about your love.

Chapter 2:

How to Overcome Your Doubts?

To be happy and to have a successful relationship, you need to learn to overcome your fears and anxiety. And so, you have to do away with your self doubt to be able to love freely and completely. Here are a few things that you can do to overcome your self doubt.

1. Learn to identify the moments that cause this self doubt

You need to learn to identify the root causes of your self doubt and understand it is affecting your relationships including your relationship with the person you are in love with. However, this is not an easy task. You might have to dig deep and uncover some things that have affected you hugely.

When you think that you are not good enough, it is possible that you feel so because you have been told that several times. Your parents, friends, teachers, peers, and later on in life your partners have all said it or done things that have made you feel this way about yourself.

You can seek help from a therapist too if you are unable to pinpoint the root cause of your fears. But the idea is to identify these causes so that you can work on changing your thinking and beliefs.

2. Give up on the notion of “deserving” or “not good enough”

You need to get over your ideas about how you are not good enough or how you do not deserve love. It does not mean anything. There are no definite things that make you “good” or “deserving”. These are simply your fears and insecurities that are stopping you from trusting or loving someone completely.

Also, you might fear that you will be left alone or you will end up alone, so, you try to overcompensate. Your self doubt about your love comes from fear of being dumped or being alone.

Work to understand and accept that these notions are wrong and that you are fine the way you are. Positive self-talk and good thoughts will help you see yourself with a positive mindset.

3. Do not worry about losing the spark or those mushy feeling

Any relationship goes through different phases and the initial mushy-mushy feelings cannot be permanent. Those get replaced by trust, understanding, comfort, and friendship. So, do not feel that you have lost the spark or that your love has lost its zing.

Firstly, you need to stop comparing your current relationship with what has happened in the past. Your self doubt will make you draw comparisons with your past relationships or how your love felt when you started this relationship. Do not get stuck there. Ass you grow with your partner, learn to embrace the changing dynamics of your love.

4. Replace your self doubt with self-love

To begin with, stop overthinking! You need to change the way you think about yourself. Do things that make you happy. Do things that give you confidence. Change the way you see yourself. Only then you will be able to think positively about yourself.

5. Talk to your partner At times, all the fears

we have are in our minds. We make them up and believe that they are true. However, in reality, you have no reason to be afraid or there need be any kind of doubt about your love or relationship. So, you need to speak up and share what you feel with your partner.

Also, try to communicate with your partner about your fears. They may help you to overcome these doubts. Additionally, you might realise that there is no need to have such fears.

If you are someone who has self doubt and it is affecting your love life, then please do visit our Courses page and you will find a course that will learn you to deal with these issues successfully.

"Practical and insightful" David

70 sections

6-Weeks Self-Paced

  • Educational Content
  • Quizzes
  • Self-reflection material
  • Suggestions & feedback
  • Worksheet, tips & tools to use

$9.00 $12.00

25% discount